we are made of dreams and bones.

fuck you, summer of 2009.

2009-09-24T14:21:00.001-04:00

everyone has cancer, and everyone is dying.

everyone's relationships are broken and ending.

everyone i love is far away.

and i spend my days at the hospital with my mom, texting my best friend, insisting that what bob marley said was true, that every little thing is going to be alright.

bluegrass, dark chocolate, and failed attempts to sleep.

i have a problem.

2009-07-27T00:24:00.006-04:00

from june 20th (the day i left for vacation) through july 15th (my birthday), i acquired these:

1-2. birthday gifts from lauren.

3-8. tim's used books, provincetown, ma.

9-11. betterworldbooks.com

12. yellow house books, great barrington, ma.

13-16. kent memorial library book sale, kent, ct.

17. moda fina, provincetown, ma.

books. especially used books. finding a book with a new price scrawled in pencil on the first page. a book given as a gift, from someone who knows the way to my heart. books sitting on wooden shelves as a testament to where i've been, and the books piled next to my bed...

well, where i hope to be.

i would prefer to read for a living.

in other words, i spent yesterday at the aquarium in mystic.

gone.

2009-06-30T03:36:00.005-04:00

i was in cape cod from the 20th to the 27th.

it rained. i got sunburned. i bought books. i ate fudge. i saw seals.

tomorrow i pick up echo from the airport.

i haven't seen her in a year.

i am feeling lonely and blue.

i will be sleeping in the woods for the next five days.

i am looking forward to a change.

sunday.

2009-06-19T03:52:00.004-04:00

i went on a solo adventure through litchfield county.

i drove up drinking a naked smoothie and eating red pepper hummus on an onion roll.

i listened to right away, great captain, the entire way there and back.

i explored a one room schoolhouse in new milford.

i strolled the grounds of the sloane-stanley museum in kent.

i walked through a covered bridge over the housatonic river.

i peeked in the windows of a pottery shop in cornwall.

and ate dark, organic mint chocolate by the old tollhouse.

i am reminded why i moved from my city back home, to new england.

driving up route seven takes my breath away.

just a few things.

2009-06-19T01:13:00.004-04:00

the other day it was said to me, "are you really into summer camp or something? you look like a jewish camp counselor."

today i drank a travel mug with two teabags of tazo awake black tea. it hit me an hour later and i talked nonstop like i was on speed. i forget that tea legitimately has caffeine in it.

i got spit on (in the face) today. again. at work.

i leave for the cape on saturday.

2009-06-08T01:25:00.001-04:00

I suck at blogging.

2009-06-02T14:09:00.002-04:00

This is is the list of blog posts I tell myself to write:

1. HIKE: Devil's Den, Redding.

2. HIKE: Bear Mountain, Danbury.

3. HIKE: Cobble Mountain, Macedonia State Park, Kent.

4. HIKE: Lover's Leap, New Milford.

5. PURCHASES: $1 loot at Michael's.

6. REVIEW: Free organic samples from drugstore.com.

7. REVIEW: Finished products: Organix Shampoo, Dr. Bronner's Shampoo, Neutrogena Facial Scrub, Bath & Body Works Orange and Ginger Body Wash.

8. PURCHASES: Shoes: Simple Shoes (organic, vegan), Air Force Ones.

9. HIKE: Squantz Pond, New Fairfield.

10. PURCHASES: Trader Joe's: Hated (whole grain bread, tortillas, plain hummus), Loved (raw crunchy almond butter, red bell pepper hummus)

11. SCHOOL: Thwarted graduate school plans and resulting lack of direction.

12. TRIP: Four days in Savannah with my sister.

13. POETRY: "Structure of the Embryonic Rat Brain" by Christopher Janke

14. POETRY: "The Book of Flashlights, Clover, and Milk" by Joshua Marie Wilkinson

15. HIKE: Steep Rock, Washington.

16. HIKE: Appalachian Trail & Bull's Bridge, Kent.

17. TRIP: Upcoming Cape Cod vacation.

18. TRIP: Plans for Appalachian backpacking with Echo.

...but, you know, I haven't. Posted on any of these topics.

I don't know where to start!

rocks.

2009-05-12T13:01:00.001-04:00

squantz pond state park.

i have so many more hiking photos to share. interested?

update & hiking photos.

2009-05-05T02:03:00.006-04:00

(weeping willows behind my high school's softball diamond)

#1. I have not smoked in One Month and Four Days.

#2. I just got my tax refund from the government. I have never received a tax refund before. I thought I was supposed to get $40 back. Apparently I should take a math class, because I received a check for $320. I am stoked and I am brainstorming what to do with this money.

#3. I went hiking twice this weekend, and I woke up with sore shoulders. They have gotten progressively more sore throughout the day. Who knew?

#4. I go to Savannah in less than two weeks! My sister has lived there for two years and I cannot wait to visit.

#5. My oldest sister, who lives in Oregon and who I haven't seen in two years, is in town. I spent three hours with her last night and we drank raw green smoothies (SO YUMMY) and a raw dessert.

#6. I never shared this photo from my low-key hike around town on the 19th, through the fields behind my high school and the woods behind our wooden playground. This hike started my weekendly hiking series.

(teenage unicycler in a field in the middle of the woods)

pardon the hour.

2009-04-30T03:09:00.008-04:00

this 3 am food post is dedicated to anna foster:

(sleep-infused classy quality photobooth picture that needs cropping)

i know it's 3 am and everything, but holy shit stop the presses i just made the best food ever:

left-over chinese food wrap. (although the aforepictured quantity of food was way too much to wrap and i consumed it with a fork.)

-tj's whole grain wrap

-left over white rice, tofu, & veggies (mostly green beans, red peppers, & mushrooms) with the sauce from the restaurant

-thin layer of tj's hummus

-slices of cracker barrel sharp cheddar

-stripe of dijon

-sprinkle of cashews

-touch of dried cranberries

obviously you can mix up whatever you want, but i think all of these ingredients are key.

this post brought to you by:

me & pansy.

that's a wrap!

groceries.

2009-04-28T13:03:00.006-04:00

My dad's birthday was saturday, and as a result we spent all day sunday together, doing what we do: grocery shopping. Here is my loot from Shop Rite & Target:

-bolthouse farms blue goodness smoothie (has 8 1/3 servings of fruit and is amazing.)

-2 bags of morningstar meal starters ($2.99 on sale at target! mmm, tacos.)

-morningstar faux-sausages ($2.99 on sale. mix it up a little bit.)

-dijon mustard (my mayo alternative.)

-2 packs of archer farms multigrain tortillas (10 x tastier than trader joe's whole grain tortillas.)

-2 avacados (heaven.)

-shredded carrot (because i'm lazy & they're so good in wraps.)

-pink grapefruit method wipes (these are compostable & made of a renewable resource: bamboo !)
-cucumber method all surface spray (my dad only cleans with windex and my mom only cleans with bleach)

-clothespins (good for closing bags: chips, nuts, berries, veggies)

I also bought ant traps (yuck!), and two big storage containers—one for under my bed, one for the bottom of my wardrobe/armoir. My little basement bedroom is filled with furniture and I have very few places to keep things like my long down coat and extra sheets.

I used my two reusable Shop Rite bags and my brand new reusable Seventh Generation bags. I often forget to bring them with me when I go shopping, but it always feels SO good to carry my groceries out in them. Doing my little part.

cabela's & hooters!

2009-04-26T20:39:00.005-04:00

two fridays ago i trekked up to east hartford with three fellows i work with. cohort #1: 33, constantly wears knits, loves backpacking, enthusiastic & expressive. cohort #2: 31, made me take a hip hop test, often stressed. cohort #3: 21, into horror films, quiet & thoughtful. throw in me, the sole girl, the token dirty hippie who loves yoga and poetry, and we have quite the bunch.

we met in the mall parking lot at 8 am, which was early for all of us (two work the evening shift & consistently go to bed at 4 am, two work overnights). cohort #1 made us a mix cd that culminated with spongebob's "this is the best day ever!" cohort #3 drove the hour or so to our destination.

upon arrival the fellas headed straight for the guns, trying to endear me with pink rifles. no thanks. we worked through each section of the store, checked out the myriad stuffed animals, and perused the camping gear.

i found this pan, which i'd definitely bring on a backpacking trip:

but i ended up only buying this hat for my dad: camo, with two very intense LED lights in the brim. dad was so excited i was going to cabela's (he's heard good things?) and loved the hat! (you should click on that link. it's worth it.) i also ate some onion rings while cohort #2 munched on a bison burger, though his first choice was ostrich meat.

we then went to hooters for lunch. upon walking in, i was the only female in the restaurant besides the waitresses. a few minutes later, done up older women arrived. soon, the businessmen on lunch hour showed up.

we snacked on fried pickles (better than onion rings?) and i took in the ridiculous, first time experience.

after studying the menu very hard, i chose a quesadilla with guacamole. (the guys got wings. lots of wings.) the quesadilla was tasty.

sadly, soon it was time to drive back home. i don't do much outside of work, and i had such a good time with new friends. the very fact that i went to a hunting (and outdoor goods!) store and hooters with these guys makes me laugh so hard. i had a great time and we may have another trip in the works.

protein by mail.

2009-04-24T12:01:00.006-04:00

once upon a time, i did something very silly. that was to order $30 worth of protein bars from the green & natural section of drugstore.com, in order to receive a free seventh generation tote filled with $45 worth of eco-friendly and organicy samples.

in my defense, i eat protein bars on the daily because, 1.) as a 13 year vegetarian, i need my protein, 2.) it is a filling & healthy snack, and, 3.) it's better than a milky way. and reese's cups. and peppermint patty. (i am trying to preserve my sexy). there were also many cases of protein bars on sale (read: cheaper to order than buy in the store), they had a wider variety than my local stores do, and it's way easier to do this than to buy them every week.

due to these justifications, i ended up ordering, on tuesday, a case of (12) cool mint chocolate clif bars (yes, jac, they do taste like mint chocolate chip ice cream), a case of (12) black cherry almond clif bars (yes, jac, they are tasty as ever), and a case of (9) clif nectar bars in cranberry, apricot, and almond. (that is one flavor). i'd never heard of the clif nectar bars before, but it said they were organic and i needed something else to buy in order to get my free gift, so i purchases them.

i think it's really funny that i bought 33 protein bars online, but funnier still is that they shipped overnight (and free. i think i like this website!). the reality was just settling in, the story of my online purchase still fresh, when i arrived home to a big box from drugstore.com. now i need to organize all my samples and find somewhere to put away the boxes of bars in my room (no easy feat).

(this photo is really lame because i need to stop using photobooth)

i've been kind of a zombie all week and haven't done yoga in two days, so this cuppa tazo awake black tea & the clif nectar bar is my pre-yoga breakfast.

so, clif nectar bar's wrapper says all these great things:

-ingredients: 5, all organic, certified. (dates, almonds, apricots, cranberries, apple juice concentrate)

-2 servings of fruit

-low glycemic food. digests slowly. lasts longer. they used the word "satiation."

plus, it has a pretty brown & green package with a tree silhouette. did i mention that it has 5 recognizable organic ingredients that equal out to be 2 servings of fruit?

i say: this bar is smaller than other clifbar's (1.6 ounces, fewer calories, less protein), so i will have to test out the low glycemic satiation theory. the bar is just as chewy and dense as other clifbar's, but more moist, due to all the fruit & apple juice in the bar.

and i love it! it is tasty and yummy and fun to eat. i love chomping down on almonds, and i also love trick ways to get servings of fruit into my daily eats, so this is perfect for me. plus, i love eating things that are sweet and healthy and knowing how good they are for me.

okay, i really cannot get over that it has five ingredients. how awesome to recognize each ingredient you're consuming! i can't wait to order the cherry pomegranate flavor. (they also carry dark chocolate walnut and lemon vanilla cashew. yum yum yum.) and i will be ordering them, because they're 15% off their regular price on that website. maybe i can find another free gift...

that said, i recommend this bar. to everyone but jac.

i have a lot of catching up to do. next posts: hooters & cabela's, last weekend's hike, new shoes: air force one's & simple shoes, the free loot from drugstore.com. what should i post about first?

no more counting.

2009-04-21T00:58:00.007-04:00

today is twenty days of no smoking. it is not really the hugest feat anymore. but, sometimes i still really want to smoke. sometimes i get really pissed that i "can't" because i don't have a justifiable reason to do it. (i really like smoking.) i still call my sister everyday and report what i've done to make my life healthier, today. usually it is no smoking, healthy meals, and some activity. sometimes it is working on graduate school applications (i feel productive, which makes my heart feel good). sometimes it is getting enough sleep. sometimes it is journalling and reading poetry.

today i ate this for breakfast (12 noon):

(multigrain toast with natural pb, vanilla chobani yogurt, black tea)

i tried chobani yogurt for the first time a week or so ago after reading about it's wonders on about a zillion blogs. it weirded me out. yogurt, no matter how much i enjoy it, weirds me out. dairy weirds me out, no matter how much i love it. the texture weirds me out. it was a hard time for me. so thick. so creamy. so filling.

but, i did indeed have another in the refrigerator, so i ate it this morning, dipping the toast in. it was better this time, a sweet little treat. still, though, so much yogurt! who knew!

and this for my 12:30 am dinner:

(raw almonds, dried orange cranberries, and vegetarian concoction from work)

this little bit of yum on the left was amazing. the cook at work often puts a vegetarian side together, but even more often he prepares something creative and tasty and labels the container with my name. something he definitely does not have to do for me. this was comprised of mashed potatoes, breaded eggplant, garlic, spinach, mushrooms, red peppers and an herb that is probably common and i don't know that name of. i had one with a salad (lettuce/cucumber/cherry tomatoes) at dinner (normal person dinner: 5 pm/my lunch) and saved the extra for when i got home (my dinner).

in between i had a mint chocolate clifbar (tried for the first time yesterday; all i kept saying was: "oh my god, this is amazing, i can't believe this exists, it's like ice cream, oh my god!"), two oranges, another salad, and half a bagel. mm, and pomegranate white tea. and a chips ahoy cookie. and two oatmeal raisin cookies.

today's yoga was really good. grad school stuff got me worked up and stressed out and i had two options: keep working on it until i had to leave for work, even though i would not finish it, or stop working on it and do yoga, something that is both good for my body and my brain. so, i turned off my lights, lit candles, and got on the floor for fifteen minutes before i left for work. for the first time, i didn't use a video or audio guide. i listened to some music and did poses i love for how calm they make me feel, and poses that stretched out my hips and lower back in such an amazing way. i even did a downward facing dog. twice. and a plank. i don't even know why. i just wanted to. when i finished i felt calm and my body felt loose.

oh god, i love yoga.

upcoming posts: cabela's & hooters (waiting on photos!), and yesterday's hiking & trader joe's trips!

2+ weeks.

2009-04-19T10:33:00.005-04:00

i felt like a champ after my last post. i was doing yoga, eating produce, and i'd finally dipped under the weight i'd been hovering above for months. my clothes were fitting so much better.

then easter weekend happened. so much food. then easter week happened. breakfasts of handfuls of chocolate (yes, i moved my easter basket out of my room & upstairs to the kitchen). then there was a friday morning pre-work outing that was filled with fried food & caffeine. and three days of just about zero activity.

so, this meal:

(sharp cheddar cheese, 2 slices of fake turkey, green pepper, pine nut hummus, passionfruit apple carrot juice, black tea)

feels especially good after a week of that.

i took a 4.3 mile bike ride yesterday & used my new platypus hydration bladder. i ordered it from backcountry.com late sunday night (read: monday) and received it on thursday. it is simple and streamlined and i love it. however, i guessed and bought the 2 liter one for my itty bitty patagonia daypack, and i probably could have gotten away with getting a smaller one. it may fit better if it's used in the main part of the pack, but i am using it in the hydration sleeve. i didn't fill it all the way, so i was able to fold over part of the top, and it wasn't problematic. i'm still very stoked about it, and i'm hoping to go hiking today and use it again!

side note: after a week like this, in order to keep my attitude positive and not get down on myself about my chocolate habits, i have adopted the motto that i am doing all things healthy because i am preserving my sexy. thanks, to sean "puff daddy/[p.] diddy" combs for that word of wisdom from the proactiv infomercial.

next post: hb & the boys adventure to cabela's & eat at hooters.

day #10.

2009-04-10T13:12:00.002-04:00

lunch today: organic fresh herb salad, green peppers, tomato on the vine, fake chicken, sharp cheddar, shredded cheese, italian dressing. amazing.

i have been a mess this week. my hormones are really out of control and i am crying about the most ridiculous things. not to mention that work has been stressful, i've been having shitty dreams, and i have legitimate things to be resentful towards.

but, i have not smoked. 10 days, and i have not smoked.

i have woken up and tried to have a good attitude, because in light of things, it's the least i can do for myself. i got up yesterday and did pushups & crunches & lunges and 20 minutes of gentla hatha yoga from yogadownload. it was perfect. i pushed myself (downward dog, ugggghhh) and i relaxed and cried and prepped myself for my day.

and i did not smoke.

day #7.5.

2009-04-08T02:43:00.005-04:00

i didn't do a galldurn thing today besides eat a lot of fresh salsa.

i cried. i yelled.

i had a no good, very bad day.

i did not do yoga, i did not do pushups, i did not journal.

i felt awful, awful, awful.

i wanted a cigarette. i mean, really, i really wanted to smoke.

but i DID NOT SMOKE.

it has been one week.

and i came home to this:

you see it, over there, on the left? yes, easter lilies. my very favorite flowers (they smell so beautiful) for the past six years. flowers i have never received. and if that wasn't enough, i received a beautiful card and this...magentic kirsten (the american girl, obviously) create-a-scene...thing. it was perfect, okay?

day #7.

2009-04-07T13:26:00.009-04:00

today will be day #7 of no smoking.

i fell asleep last night thinking about the amazing burritos i wanted to make upon waking up.

while making them i realized that it would probably be a poor decision to eat all of this food and then do yoga. so, i ate all the food & i am saving yoga for tonight!

seriously though, these were amazing:

-2 small multigrain tortillas (archer farms, from target)

-1 faux-chicken patty (morningstar)

-2 slices american cheese (kraft)

-green pepper slices

-shredded carrot

-big scoop of fresh salsa (from stew leonard's)

-big scoop of fresh guacamole (from stew leonards)

-water

-black tea (tazo awake)

day #6.

2009-04-06T14:09:00.005-04:00

(unsweetened applesauce, watermelon, multigrain tortilla with natural peanut butter, tazo awake black tea)

little lunch (my breakfast) because i'm not very hungry due to my big, yummy meal last night.

yoga, etc. is being saved for tonight because i slept so late, and my hips are really sore from hiking. (they also plain hurt, in which case yoga would probably be helpful right now. too bad i have to do work for work!)

so far, so good!

day #5.

2009-04-05T22:04:00.007-04:00

yesterday i went hiking for 2 & a half hours in bridgewater with a friend. i was winded when i didn't need to be except that i have a recovering smoker's lungs. i used my new patagonia daypack and chomped some protein bars and pushed myself and got a beautiful view of the lake on the other side of my town. i was exhilarated when i got home. being outside makes me so happy and i am so proud of myself.

then i went out and bought $40 worth of produce and fresh dips. i ate a big, late dinner of yellow ground tortilla chips with fresh salsa and fresh guacamole, and then a multigrain wrap of pine nut hummus with shredded carrots and green peppers. and a few more green pepper slices with hummus.

i then proceeded to sleep for 11 hours. that hiking knocked me out.

days #3 & 4.

2009-04-05T21:55:00.005-04:00

reasons i wanted to smoke:
-feeling left out during smoke breaks.
-being emotional & not knowing why (or how to fix it).

good reasons to smoke:

-none.

reasons not to smoke:
-my car is smelling less & less like stale smoke.
-i don't want people to roll their eyes because i am quitting...again.

things i did instead:
-stayed inside with another friend who quit smoking!
-got on the damn floor and did pushups. and then crunches. and then more pushups. and crunches. and more pushups.

this is the first time that i have ever used physical activity to deal with my emotions. when i am emotional, i sit, i contemplate, i pray, i cry, i talk to friends, i journal, i read poetry. these activities don't solve anything. i overthink myself in circles.

so, last night i did something different. i took all of that emotional turmoil and used that energy and did pushups and crunches and dry-sobbed my way through a sun sequence of yoga and cried through additional poses.

when i ended, nothing was fixed, but i had changed. i had accomplished something and done something positive for myself. and i let myself experience my emotions rather than smoking them away.

day #2.

2009-04-03T02:02:00.007-04:00

reasons i wanted to smoke today:

-my manager (who is quitting a two-pack a day habit) cheated and smoked one cigarette.

-i was called a bitch and asked by two different people when i was going to have a cigarette. because i asked them not to use "gay" and "retard" in an offensive manner.

good reasons to smoke:

-none.

reasons not to smoke:

-no more brown boogies when i blow my nose.

-no more making myself late to work because i forgot to buy smokes.

things i did instead:

-played scrabble.

-drank 3 mugs of tea (tazo awake, bigelow pomegranate pizzaz, bigelow chamomile).

(my tea stash for work, so i have a healthy distraction.)

i now call my sister and leave her a voicemail everyday listing the things i did that made my life healthier. today it was that i made myself breakfast, i felt productive & proud because i washed my dishes, and i also slept really, really well. i came home from work and did yoga, crunches, push ups & squats, because i really didn't want to miss today! (sleeping so well=sleeping late.) and i did it because...i really LIKE doing it. who knew?

also, my dad's friend pulled everything from my old hard drive, so my beautiful new macbook is now full of my beautiful old music!

today, the weather was gorgeous and i did not smoke. i feel good.

day #1.

2009-04-02T02:06:00.004-04:00

reasons i wanted to smoke today:

-it is what i do when i drive to work.

-staff training where we are told to be better.

-it is how i break up training times.

-stupid people walking slowly in front of my car in a parking lot. back and forth. 3 people. oblivious.

-shitty starbucks cookie.

-not being asked to run a group.

-being anxious about my perceived work ethic.

-losing my appetite due to the heavy breathing, drooling, and poor table manners of others.

good reasons to smoke:

-none.

reasons not to smoke:

-it seems pointless to make all these healthy efforts if i am still smoking.

-i can spend that $40 a week on something else.

-my fingertips won't smell like smoke.

-my mouth won't taste bad.

-i won't feel bad being around kids.

-no more lying to my dad about smoking in the car.

-i will be able to run up the stairs to my house or the office at work without getting winded.

-i will better be able to go for bike rides and hikes.

-i will be able to sing in my car without missing great lines due to smoking.

-i will not have movies or games interrupted due to smoking.

-i will learn to let myself feel and cope with my emotions in a healthier way.

-one day i will be able to chase an unruly dog down a beach.

-jac's mom.

things i did instead:

-pep talked myself through all of the above reasons.

-whined that i don't know how to be a normal person who deals with stress.

-left work to buy coffee.

-cried in my car.

-called my sister, my girlfriend, samantha, foster, and jac. bitched.

-ate pickles out of the container.

-cleaned both kitchen tables.

-sipped on my venti raspberry mocha for three hours.

-worked on a puzzle of crayons.

-watched marley & me.

hours four to six were pretty difficult. i was having moodswings like a pregnant woman. and as the evening wore on, i became more calm. it was nice to not feel that i had to get up and go smoke, to not have to cater to something that will kill me.

day #1 of not smoking, complete.

sleepy.

2009-04-01T11:51:00.007-04:00

i did my weekly stay-up-way-too-late last night (5:15 am, not bad) and first woke up at 10 am. i then turned off every alarm i had set and got up around 11 am.

-black tea (tazo awake)

-two pieces of toast (arnold's double protein)

-goblet of applesauce (unsweetened, store brand)

-3 faux-sausage links (morningstar)

-1 slice of cheese (hiding because i realize that although kraft is yummy, cheese in plasticked slices is unnerving)

-cute new plate from target!

not much because i need to buy some fruits & vegetables. i usually don't eat before work, so this is a good start for me. i was ravenous when i woke up!

i should also consider starting to use my camera for these photos, so the lighting is prettier. i need a new battery, though. & i'm just still so excited about photobooth! want to videochat?

i am being productive for work, drinking tea, and i ate breakfast.

i will not buy cigarettes today. i have none left.

today will be a good day.

p.s. my legs are still so sore from squats and lunges on monday. out of control.

this clumsy living.

2009-04-01T02:42:00.007-04:00

...they kissed like waterfalls, like stones

that have travelled a million years to touch, and emerged

hybrid, some of her lips in his words, all of his fists

opened by trust like morning glories...

(from "Solstice: voyeur")

i purchased this book during my trip to chicago, back in january, and i finally finished it this weekend. i first read bob hicok's insomnia diary for my poetry workshop with chris green, fall of 2006. that class was the first time that i ever found poets i enjoyed reading. (it is difficult to write poetry all the time and hate all of the poetry you read.) and i liked bob hicok.

i was poring over the poetry section in the michigan avenue borders with christine, when i happened upon this clumsy living and animal soul. i was set on buying something, and i liked this clumsy living's cover better. and then i read the last poem in the book. and that was it.

so, having had two months to take in this book, i have this to say: it was beautiful. during the past several months i've experienced a panicky anxiety in regards to my humanity and my mortality. and when i read poetry, i feel what i felt when i used to read the bible: peace.

because reading this:

why am I afraid of people, why do I talk

behind them to the edge of their shadows,

why did the continents drift, why didn't

the thumb stay put, is fear what it means

to be human, am I what it means to be human,

why did the brain ransom the heart

to the mouth, why did we ever come down

from the trees?

(from "the active reader")

makes me feel much less alone. and not feeling alone renews the faith in God that wavers when i am scared.

i could have typed up several excerpts to his poems (and i did), but if you're a poetry reading person, you should just read it. he has a way, alright? he has a way. it has to be pretty potent stuff if it's able to sedate me from my panic and have me nodding my head that he is able to formulate love into words and that his writing about war & tragedy isn't trite.

if you really need to be convinced, get your hands on a copy and read "My Ever After," the last poem in the book. or any part of "My Faith-Based Initiative." or the lines at the beginning of this post should do it.

that said, healthy things i am doing for myself:

-eating breakfast (lunch?)

-snacking on protein bars instead of candy bars

-stretching out my hips

-reading poetry and journalling when i wake up

-trying not to smoke, starting tomorrow.

-yoga, yoga, yoga.

progress.

2009-03-31T02:01:00.008-04:00

i have been such a champ over the past week. i have been doing yoga, playing catch, doing reps of pushups, paying attention to what i am eating & how much, challenging myself to smoke less, going to bed earlier (...most days), and doing things i never do: squats! lunges! ab work! pushing myself! what?

it feels really, really good. i feel really, really good. i can do this.

that said, i am now going to review for you a personal care product. i am very into organic, eco-friendly type products. it's very important to me. i am very into yummy scents and functionality and great packaging. i've found really great products and have switched to eco-friendly stuff for most of my shower stuff. i've done body scrubs, shampoos, conditioners, body washes, face washes, cleaning sprays, toothpastes, deodorants, laundry detergents, hand soaps, dish soap. mrs. meyers, method, seventh generation, tom's, pure & natural, organix, say yes to carrots, burt's bees. i'm really into sharing the successes.

...and the failures. this product, on the right, all the way down at the end, there, you see it?

it sucks.

it was from method's marine natural's line (which is apparently hard to find and is not on their website) and was supposed to be a body exfoliator. well. it smelled nice, oceany. nothing mind-blowing. the packaging was okay. it had this weird twisty thing on the bottom...like the cap to a bottle of glue. twist, squeeze, shut. that was annoying. the scrub was nothing like the thick, hard-working st. ives i've used for so long. it had this sort of gelatinous texture, like it would slide right off your hand. it actually lathers, which is kind of neat, but here's the point: it didn't soften my skin. my skin is sort of bumpy and due to my self-diagnosed dermatillomania, i'm really into my skin being smooth. if i am going to take the time the exfoliate after all of the washing and conditioning of my body and face and hair (not to mention shaving...ya heard?), it better work. but it doesn't.

so, i've been trying to use this up since the fall so i can get something new and luxurious for my skin. too bad i never want to use it because it doesn't work.

(i admit that the st. ive's i knew & loved was really intense, and that those scrubs suck for sensitive skin. so, maybe i should just use sandpaper? also, they've retired the jar and now only have a tube. bummer.)

also, i went to the method website in order to find the above picture, and i am very pleased. aesthetically pleasing & easy to use. clean. and a reminder that their packaging just gets prettier and prettier. i am such a sucker.

any recommendations for eco-friendly body scrubs? besides sugar & water? any product you want to hear my take on?

focus.

2009-03-27T02:09:00.005-04:00

well:

-yesterday i went four hours at work without one cigarette. i am pushing myself to not smoke unless i feel like i "need" it. (i smoke when i am anxious, and the thought of not smoking makes me panic. i need to remember: that by not smoking i am allowing myself to feel, however uncomfortable it may be, and i am honoring myself by experiencing that rather than hiding it.)

-i did yoga this morning to this video from this woman. she is really exuberant and bubbly and seems to just be very sweet. i was encouraged by her even through a youtube video. and it feels so good to do yoga. i understand what the idea of being "centered" is. and it is doing wonders for my pinched-nerve-slipped-disc-arthritis hips.

-my mom bought me a frozen fire-roasted vegetable mystic pizza, and i made it tonight. it's actually pretty healthy for pizza, cooked quickly, and tasted SO GOOD. no, really. so good. i might have eaten all of it. really savory for a frozen pizza! and i am picky about vegetables on my pizza...which usually means i am stuck with greasy cheese. (to my credit, i did not have anything for "breakfast" & my "lunch" was watery vegetables & bland alfredo. and i was hungry within the hour after eating it. and the pizza was small!) ...okay, i just realized mystic pizza comes from mystic, connecticut (represent!) and inspired the movie, mystic pizza. i have actually never been to mystic (what?) and now i want to go so badly! anyway, i want more stat & hope it is not too pricey. yum!

wow, look at how healthy my life is:

(yes, i set this picture up with a power yoga dvd and an issue of self magazine.)

other things i am doing that are good for me:

-listening to lots of folk music.

-trying to see the good in people who drive me crazy and let the easy irritation go.

-making cards!

worth it.

2009-03-24T14:20:00.006-04:00

with the end of march and the beginning of warmer days comes the realization that very soon i will be able to go for bike rides and camp and go hiking. the realization that if i ever want to lose the remaining 30 of the 45 pounds i gained a year and a half ago, i ought to start now.

i have to care enough about myself to do these things.

so far, just thinking about quitting smoking makes me panic, which in turn makes me want to smoke. i have quit twice before (four months, a breeze; seven weeks, awful, crying mess). i like to smoke, which is a problem. i enjoy the communal aspect of smoking with others at work, i enjoy smoking in my car, i enjoy smoking as a mental break, i enjoy smoking on my girlfriend's front step. when i get stressed at work, i can go smoke. what do normal people do when they get stressed? i have been smoking on and off for three years, and now i feel like i don't know how to not smoke.

however, i have been paying a lot more attention to what i am eating. i am seeking out a yoga studio and have started doing a little bit at home. the past three days, i have done some yoga, crunches, pushups, and stretches for my back and pinched nerve/slipped disc/arthritis hips. and it feels good.

today i did 10 sprints up my monster driveway. sprint up, jog down the steps to the road, walk from the steps to the base of the driveway, sprint back up. after five i walked around the house as a break. i did five more. i felt like i was going to puke for a good five minutes.

(there is about another fifteen feet from where this was taken to the bottom of my driveway.)

i am trying to not get discouraged. i am trying to remind myself of the way my body has responded when i have pushed myself, and how proud of myself i was. i am trying to remind myself that i am capable of doing this.

tell me this gets easier.

breakfast in bed.

2009-03-09T12:47:00.004-04:00

-unsweetened applesauce

-two pieces of peanut butter toast on double protein bread

-bigelow's lemon tea

i am working on a hip hop test that is going to earn me a pair of air force ones, and editing my graduate school application essays.

i spent the weekend drinking raspberry mochas (yum!) and enjoying the warm weather. i drove through bridgewater with my girlfriend and was reminded (again), why i live in new england. even with no greenery yet, i am reminded. watermills and the view of rolling hills.

health attempts.

2009-03-05T14:34:00.007-05:00

despite staying up until 730 am last night and sleeping for only 5 & a half hours (i have got to stop falling asleep at my girlfriend's and then staying up when i get home, rather than going back to bed), i have attempted to do something healthy for myself today: making a tasty, good-for-me lunch... rather than getting up at one, going to work, and not eating until dinner at work, at 5. (where i always eat huge portions, which always have thick greasy/creamy sauces, or where i eat lots of bagels because there is not vegetarian option. or i eat a ton of chocolate, because i am stressed.)

anyway, here it is, photographed by my photobooth because it's new/i can/my camera was downstairs:

1. water

2. tazo black tea (awake) in a mug echo made!

3. applesauce (unsweetened) in a mug i got at a yard sale in evanston

4. fake chicken salad in a pita (whole wheat)

the chicken salad is a favorite concoction of mine. it consists of chopped of fake chicken patties (i used quorn this time, my favorite!), dried cranberries, sprouts (i used arugala & clover today!), and hummus (new favorite brand: sabra.) i also added some extra sharp organic cheddar cheese (horizon farms) to the pita, which was so tasty.

now it's time to go get some dunkin donuts coffee... at least i've started somewhere!

p.s. it should be noted that part of my staying up late/attempts at health today is due to katie's link to this blog last night. can you believe that despite my awful physical endurance, my smoking, and my terrible sleep patterns, i actually really love healthy food? and i regularly become entranced by one running/yoga/healthy food blog and read it every night for nights and resolve to be healthier. i am not averse to exercise and being healthy. but i hate gyms. i am awful at running. i am terrible at prioritizing. running requires quitting smoking again, and right now it is my poor coping mechanism. i want to regularly go for hikes and bike rides in the spring & summer, but i'll need to quit smoking for that, too. i really admire my father (a former marathoner, current track & cross country coach) and i sometimes have secret dreams that i could run a marathon one day. and i am also a little terrifiedly convinced that i would never be able to. sigh. it would be wonderful to lose the remaining thirty pounds of the forty i gained last year, to wear my favorite jeans, to care for my body, but i have never had a routine in my life. my routine consists of procrastination, laziness, and desperately wanting to do better things for myself (sleep more, go for walks, journal daily, read daily) but just not doing it. i don't know how to get myself to do it without just doing it. maybe i don't want it badly enough yet.

this just in:

2009-03-04T03:58:00.006-05:00

the gods of procrastination blessed me by killing my 12-inch aluminum powerbook g4 just following my finally getting work done on graduate school applications. that said, i acquired a shiny new macbook today.

the wonders of technology blessed me by not only letting me acquire music that was somewhere in the depths of my gmail account, but by letting me acquire music that i didn't even have on my little silver laptop (rip). music from my sophmore year of college. great jams.

for example:
le tigre
julie ruin

sleater-kinney

rilo kiley
jump little children

cat power

tegan and sara

element 101

the be good tanyas

i mean, what i listened to on my first generation ipod when walking from my eastwood apartment to the central stop on the purple line to go to school everyday my first year at loyola.

and here are two throw back tunes to consider asking me to email you:

"mouth (i wanna taste it)" by merrill bainbridge

"your woman" by whitetown (the man that whitetown consists of once wrote on my lastfm. no joke.)

i am stoked beyond belief. & i'd love to receive some of my pals favorite songs via any sort of mail!

pity parties and the solution.

2009-02-23T02:30:00.005-05:00

pity parties:
-torn leggings & their replacements
-the stress of applying to graduate school
-diner onion ring bellyaches
-jenny schecter on the l word

...are made better by:
-hip hop
-postal mail
-poetry
-adventure drives with my love

and people like this:

no news.

2009-02-06T03:36:00.003-05:00

i got punched in the head and spit on by a girl who probably has pink eye at work today.

i also got called a jew. that is vote number many for my supposed jewish heritage.
(andy's mom -- "she's not jewish?!"
stranger in cvs in chicago -- post-hanukkah "your holiday has passed already, hasn't it?"
member at work -- "miss heather, you ain't jewish?"
member at work -- "heather, i don't understand how you're not jewish."
member at work -- "jew!"
other people i don't remember.)
i guess i will keep the dreidel song as my ringtone.

watch this:

post of buying things.

2009-02-01T20:52:00.012-05:00

i recently took four vacation days off of work and went back to chicago. the timing was perfect both for my personal and work life, and it was a really good experience. it was wonderful to walk everywhere, for my legs to get chilled while outside, to eat jimmyjohn's, to spend time with my closest friends from college, to consume thai pizza at pizza capri in belmont, to walk around my campus, and it made me all the more grateful to come back home.

while i was there, i visited with a girl i graduated high school with, saw the kids i babysat for last year (the baby is a little person now!), talked with a fella who worked where i interned, and spent time with one of my social work professors. all excellent conversations, and excellent people to see.

but, i also spent a lot of money. a lot of lot of money, on things other than the train and food and smokes. here are the things i can mention!

at the borders on michigan avenue i bought two books of poetry and kate spade cards that say "The grass is always greener" that i'd wanted for a year. they were 50% off and i bought them for $10. i purchased This Clumsy Living by Bob Hicok. i read his insomnia diary in chris green's poetry class at loyola my junior year and really enjoyed it. poems to read: "My faith-based initiative" and "My ever after." i also bought Structure of an Embryonic Rat Brain: by Christopher Janke. purchased because of it's beautiful cover and the line "A man who has not heard of love describes the way he feels as lying on warm stones."

at Something Old, Something New in belmont, i bought another dress by the brand aryeh. aryeh made this brown & white prairie dress that i love, but the brand is really mysterious. try to google it and you'll find one dress on a boutique page and some t-shirts posted many times over on ebay. it's really bizarre. this new dress was $10 and is actually too snug, but it's awfully cute.

i bought a new nose ring at The Alley in belmont for $6. at Belmont Army i bought this lovely dress made by element for about $40. it is perfect for spring time and is a really great length. i will wear it with a brown tank top underneath or a cute beige tshirt.

i returned from chicago safely without the interference of geese, and my girlfriend greeted me with flowers (which i love and she doesn't love, because they die). we spent the day driving home the long way, and adventure through the little towns of connecticut. on friday morning i woke up with a cough (i never cough) and my voice sounds pretty awesome right about now. however, i am grateful for mucinex.

my girlfriend gave me two valentine's day gifts early on friday night. one was an organization set in browns, blues, and greens, consisting of a dual-but-separated home & work planner, a calendar mouse pad, some file folders and a carrying thing. she knows i love that shit. the other is a guide to new england made by the discovery channel, which she'd purchased before i made a comment about one on the way home from the airport.

we went shopping at target yesterday and i spent a ton of money, most notably on a new quilt and sheets for my bed. the quilt i have is twin-sized and my mother bought for me my freshman year of college. it does not fit on my full-sized bed and does not fit over two people. i almost purchased the same one in different colors for $50 and my girlfriend insisted that if i did not find something cheaper at target, she would drive me all the way back to the store i found my original quilt at. needless to say, she was right, and i found a beautiful beige and oceany-robin's-egg blue quilt for $30 (from $60). i bought the matching sheets & pillowcases for $15.

at borders today i purchased the other kate spade cards i wanted, for the same price. below the gold-embossed tv set they say: "watch less, write more." i am a sucker for a good card.

i need to not spend a ton of money now, especially because my loans are coming into repayment (sucks.) perhaps my next large amount of money spent will be on my tattoo!

american idol.

2009-01-30T12:13:00.004-05:00

yes, an americal idol post. because this fella right here:

lives across the street from me.

he yells "hey neighbor!" whenever he sees me.

my friends and i used to swoon over him & this other high school fella when we were in seventh grade and they starred in the plays.

he is also waaay better than what this video conveys. i hope he surprises them. i am very excited for him.

and his name is totally not norman gentle.

anyway, chicago recap soon if you're interested!

but when i met you right away i knew you would never ever ever hurt me.

2009-01-13T01:26:00.003-05:00

all non-mush posts on-hold for this breaking new mush post of the day.

today is my & my boo's one year anniversary.
i love her.
and everyday i am grateful to be with her.

the end.

okay, not the end.
she came over on saturday for a few hours, took her mom's car through the snow & ice to get to me. she made me a card and spent a long time getting the heart just right. she bought me maya angelou's newest book, letter to my daughter. she knows how i feel about books. and maya angelou.
i bought her a pretty little ipod, a green one, 16gb, with an appropriately mushy lyric & date on the back.
she stayed over last night, and i brought her peanut m&ms after work today, and a sweet card, and a silly card with pop-out fish kissing on it.

i am very happy that i met her when i was sixteen years old.
i am very happy that we have always cared about each other so much.
i am very happy to have spent this summer camping with her and listening to hip hop in her car.
i am very happy that i have spent this last year letting someone love me so much.

st[u]ff of the month.

2009-01-10T09:23:00.016-05:00

well, this week i started training to be senior act on my team. i was also awarded staff of the month, which landed me a $100 visa gift card. after the exhausting, bullshit week i've had at work, i feel like i deserve it.

less about work, more about that gift card. i love books. and clothes. but i really wanted to use this gift card to treat myself to things i typically want, but can't bring myself to purchase. i got the gift card thursday night and spent all of it (i think) by yesterday afternoon.

my purchases!:

1. white tea & ginger lotion & body spray from bath & body works. my sister bought this body spray for me two years ago, and i fell in love with the scent...but haven't been able to find it instore since. those products are about $10 each; i got them on sale for $6 each.

2. the true and the questions: a journal by sabrina ward harrison. i typically don't buy illustrated or guided journals, but i've seen a few recently that are really just breathtaking. (one which may or may not be on it's way to me from one andyboon.) i also love sabrina ward harrison's work, specifically spilling open: the art of becoming yourself and brave on the rocks: if you don't go, you don't see. it's been something that helped me in my journalling in high school, and i think it would be helpful now, as well. bought for $16.95 from amazon.

disclaimer: i personally am not a fan of the subtitley-titles. i think they are lame. but don't be mistaken. her work is beautiful and provoking.

3. this hiking daypack made by patagonia. i bought it for $34.50 on 6pm.com, 46% off from $64. (this is the same website from which i bought pumas for about $40, that actually fit my gigantopithecus feet.) the daypack has hydration compatibility, moisture wicking materials, a sternum belt, a hideaway waistbelt, and a safety-whistle. i started hiking and camping this summer and fell completely in love. i'm very excited to use this to carry water, snacks, tissues, towels and more on my hikes this spring and summer. i'm also very excited that the experience of using something fancy & bright green will encourage me to hike more often which is good for me in at least two ways: exercise & a general sense of peace & happiness from being outside.

since we're on it i'll mention that i got some other things i acquired recently. this rebel pride tshirt by marc jacobs from my sister, a long brown down coat by michael kors from costco from my dad ($60! and not the one with raccoon fur on the hood!), orange & ginger lotion & body wash from bath & body works from lauren's grandma, the people look like flowers at last by charles bukowski from my boo. i also bought myself a $35 pair of boots at target, boots that fit the criteria i've been searching for for over a year. and new jeans from old navy ($17) and a long, button-up, scoop-neck vest from forever 21 for $9.50. my bff echo also sent me a[nother!] beautiful mug she made.

all in all, a very good holiday. i'm so happy to have been home for it this year & to have been able to spend time with lots of people that i love, and not have had to shove it all into a five day visit for the year. i am very grateful.

2009-01-04T17:47:00.003-05:00

dear comrades,

what should i write about? apparently some people want me to post, but i have difficulty believing i am interesting enough to write about on the internet.

i can write about the NA convention i went to this weekend, or books of poetry i've been reading, or review eco-friendly body products, or christmas gifts, or tattoos i want, or anything else you want to know about. i just don't know what's interesting to other people.

too bad i can't talk about work in such a public forum, because those are some good fucking stories.

love,
h.b.

the ANGER.

2008-12-17T01:18:00.008-05:00

(oh, hello blog i haven't updated in nigh on a month. how would you feel about me posting my reviews of eco-friendly body products? good? great. after this.)

1130pm-1200am: drive home in a light rain.

1205am: turn off windshield wipers. one minute passes. try to utilize windshield wipers to no avail.

1215am: dad informs me that he received a recall notice on my windshield wiper motor a few months ago. must drive mom to work in morning. must bring car to dealership asap.

sometime between 100am and 615am: have a gruesome nightmare that a bad man is trying to kidnap me and my best friend from high school kills him via a shovel slicing to the stomach.

615am: dad wakes me up by telling me very loudly (because i was "comatose") that i need to drive my mom to work at 7. i must take the car to the dealership asap. i cannot drive it. they need the car for half a day.

616am-7am: feel nauseated. consistently tell my dad to stop stomping around the house and to use his indoor voice. listen to my mom be bitchy. try to convince them to be a little less loud/annoying/insensitive.

7am: drive mom to work. find out i have to put gas in the car, as per usual.

715 am: notice that mom's car's front tires need air. but not so much air i can't drive the car.

720am: try to go back to sleep.

722am: dad calls the house to talk about my car. the phone is very loud. i remind him that i am exhausted, nauseated, and had a nightmare.

725am: too tired and nauseated to sleep. head hurts. use my computer, which dies, courtesy of a battery which will not hold a charge. i am finally convinced not to try using the original battery which was recalled due to setting laptops on fire. or something.

745am: try to sleep.

750am-830am: too tired, nauseated, headachey, and hungry to sleep. eat a sandwich. read the paper.

830am-900am: try to sleep. cold because i have a twin quilt on a full bed.

901am-1218pm: sleep.

120pm-145pm: bitch about "the anger" to my brother, who makes fun of me. & gives me a day-expired bottle of mountain dew.

200pm: talk to dad about my car. again.

215pm: go to linens n' things, with the hope to score a comforter which will fit my bed.

245pm: discover that everything left in the store is king size. the two queen size comforters i find are slightly not my style and still $75-100 despite being %50-70 off. operation: buy something to appease my anger: fail.

315pm-325pm: drive to work. cue: primal scream. call every truck driver who will not let me move into the right lane a motherfucker.

327pm: do not buy cigarettes, in an attempt to get to work on time.

328pm: do not drop off paperwork for health insurance, in an attempt to get to work on time.

335pm: get to work. tell my manager i need to "tame the tiger within."

345pm-415pm: serious business.

445pm: dad calls with the idea that he will drop off my car this evening and the work will be done, with hopes, at some point tomorrow.

500am: am nauseated, but looking forward to macaroni & cheese, my favorite dinner dish and one of the vegetarian options. prep by taking lactaid.

510pm: am told that there is "macaroni and cheese left!" for me, when in reality it is half a cup of the crusty corner. ten minutes into dinner.

700pm-800pm: quiet night in which i could have crocheted and did not. which will lead me to do a lot of last minute crocheting this weekend.

930pm: am asked by a member if i have a girlfriend.

945pm: the anger is reignited due to people being a pain in my ass.

1000pm-1100pm: correct paperwork that wasn't done correctly.

1101pm-1230am: talk "the criteria for a great hip hop song." feel guilty because there are at
least two people who are unhappy with me for not spending time with them.

1235am: am dissatisfied with the marb light i smoked.

100am: arrive home to a broken christmas ornament on the kitchen floor. which i sweep up so that my cat's won't get hurt paws. although they will break more ornaments.

148am: hungry. maybe nauseated. dreading all the christmas-gift-prep i haven't done. pissed i will have to get up at 645am to drive my mom to work. pissed i will have to drive her low-air-tired-car to work again tomorrow. pissed i cannot locate a suitable comforter for my bed. stewing in the anger. need to tame the tiger within. need to put away laundry i washed sunday night.

exhausted.

2008-11-21T03:19:00.008-05:00

this week was difficult at work for a lot of reasons.
physically, i've just been tired. my knees have been hurting badly from my attempts at running. my throat has been scratchier each morning. my head has been spinning without reason.
workwise, a lot of staff changes are happening. the population at the treatment facility is young right now. there are a lot of eating disorders and a lot of self-injury.
and i am afflicted with the disease of caring too much.

i finally left work an hour and a half after i should have been out last night (1230am instead of 11pm) to go sleep at my girlfriend's house.
i was exhausted and acting like a baby, and she presented me with this bunch of roses. she doesn't like to buy flowers because they die, and while i understand that, i still like flowers. i hadn't received any since my 18th birthday.
due to the sweetness factor and how emotional i already was, it is needless to say that i got teary.

work, and life in general, is a little bit easier when you have something like this to come home to.

public thank you note.

2008-11-13T02:25:00.010-05:00

i may not have gotten my new pumas in the mail today, and i may not have gotten my divacup, but i did get a package from my best friend.

in it was a beautiful mug she made for me, from which i am drinking sleepytime tea at this very moment. it is lovely. she is so talented and knowing that she created it for me makes me a little weepy.

there was also a scroll of an snail print she made, which found it's home next to my signed hanson poster. and, of course, a cd. i mean, this girl makes the best cds i've ever heard. (even if she didn't give me a tracklist...)

not to mention, last week a friend of mine from high school also sent me surprise mail! a beanie she knit me! it perfectly matches one of my tshirts!

now to scrap my momma's birthday card before i go to sleep. and get up and run for the fourth day this week!

hope.

2008-11-09T12:17:00.003-05:00

i just rewatched this video, and i wanted to share it. because there is pain and i have so much hope. i have so much hope.

my dad and i voted together on tuesday, for different candidates. when i arrived home from work that night, around 1 am, i woke him up to say hello, and he had such a positive response for the man he did not vote for.

my dad and i watched Barack Obama's acceptance speech (which made me miss chicago even more) together yesterday, crying throughout the whole thing. so grateful that supporters of Obama cheered when he congratulated and thanked John McCain.

my dad said that Obama reminds him of JFK, which is high praise comng from my father. that any qualms he had about Barack Obama being our president just rushed away when he heard the acceptance speech.

i am so excited for the rights that we will all have one day.
i have so much hope for the future of our country.

history.

2008-11-07T02:20:00.004-05:00

i voted! i woke up early for me (1130 am) and went with my dad, who wore a vintage nixon campaign button.
i voted, and i know that my vote counts.

i donated money to california's no on prop 8 campaign.
i cannot believe that proposition 8 wasn't defeated.
i can believe that people are not done fighting.

i voted no on the first question on my ballot, asking whether i'd like there to be a convention to amend the state constitution.
the sneaky way of trying to take away the rights that were granted to same sex couples on october 10, 2008.
connecticut citizens made the right decision.
same sex couples will be able to marry on november 12, 2008.

there is hope.

trying to be concise. and interesting.

2008-11-04T02:08:00.004-05:00

my weekend was very relaxed for a change. i woke up around 9 am both days, which is completely out of character for me, considering i work the evening shift. i spent a lot of time with my parents, watching the joan of arc movie and law & order: svu. i bought and ate a lot of vegetables. i am trying very, very hard to be health-conscious. and i am only somewhat embarassed to share that i scrapped three pages. for my scrapbook.

in other news, i've had this obsession with weird medical phenomena for the past six months or a year. teratomas, fetus-en-fetu, stone babies, unborn twins.

well, my dad has had this gnarly bump on his head for some years and it is growing. and visible due to a botched haircut. his chiropractor-who-has-been-to-medical-school is sure it's a dermoid cyst. well, guess what a dermoid cyst is? A TERATOMA. a tumor that grows weird things in it like hair, teeth, fingernails, EYEBALLS.

teratomas are really interesting when they aren't growing out of your father's head. it's like a bad car wreck.

tomorrow i vote for the first time ever, and i'm very excited. (my absentee ballot never made it to taylor university back in the year of the hanging chad.)

well, a grown up blog.

2008-10-31T04:37:00.008-04:00

& i still don't know what to say.

it has been two weeks and four days since i've smoked.

i finally finished elizabeth gilbert's eat, pray, love last night. i read a section of it a few years ago, back when i subscribed to oprah's magazine. (now i receive real simple monthly. who's going to be a good mom?) i've wanted to read it since then. my sister, danielle, read it while healing from the fiasco that is getting your wisdom teeth out at age thirty. she loved it and gave it to me for my college graduation/birthday.

i guess what it comes down to is this: i love allowing myself to believe that my God is bigger than the God i've believed in, the God i've been taught to believe in, the God i was afraid not to believe in.

so, yes, the book was good. very good. & the author is so...likable. not because she is adorable or intelligent, which she is, but it's more that she just seems like someone i would like to know.

finishing it also means i am allowed to buy a new book, which is one of my favorite things to do. this is an agreement i made with myself. finish one of your own, unread books, and you may buy a new one!

that said, explosions in the sky vs. the album leaf? hello, sleepytime cd. slightly more unnerving than the soothing qualities of an iron & wine or denison witmer sleeplist.